A Letter To My Mother

Dear Mum,

You are such an incredibly strong woman but you don’t realise it. In fact, I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for the person you are. I cannot imagine how hard it is to have a baby daughter that you see as beautiful and love with all your heart and then watch her fall to pieces. I cannot imagine what it is like to battle with your 5 year old over the dinner table every single day and to still be fighting with your daughter 6 years later, and then to have to give in and hand the responsibility over to your daughter because she needs to control around food. I cannot imagine the pain you went through watching your child laying on the sofa weak and cold day after day, to see the tears roll down her face and to know that there is nothing that you can do to help her. I can’t imagine how helpless and scared you felt.

I can’t imagine how much it must have gripped and twisted your heart when you spotted the cuts on my arm when I was laying on my bed doing my homework. The fear, the thoughts, the frustration and anger that went through your mind that day must’ve been unbearable. I remember the pain and horror in your face when you were called into school because I wasn’t eating and wanted to die. I bet you wanted to scream inside, I bet it was crushing, an unbearable agony and I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I have no idea how you have got through the past few years and remained so strong and together. It must be so painful and scary to watch your daughter starving herself, destroying herself, you knew about my laxative addiction and you couldn’t stop it. It must feel horrendous getting the phone call to say that your daughter is being detained under the mental health act. The baby that you gave birth to, that you love unconditionally…you had to watch that baby dying and wanting to die. You’ve stood in psychiatric wards crying because my illness has made you feel such pain and I’m so sorry. I want to squeeze you tightly and kiss your head because you are my rock Mum, you are my best friend.

A lot of people say that I am strong and that I am inspiring but you are the strong and inspiring one. Regardless of how ill or well I am, you treat me the same every day. You hug me when I have a headache and you hug me when I’m crying on a really bad day. You can make me laugh on the days when a smile didn’t even feel possible. This Mother’s day I am telling you I love you and I am thanking you for far more than buying food from the supermarket and washing my clothes. Thank you for being amazing, for learning from my illness instead of shutting me out, for being proud and supportive of me and for pushing me on. I love you because you make me feel okay, more than okay. You have never stopped telling me I am beautiful, you have given me the confidence to be myself.

I love you so much Mum, thank you for being you. You are my best friend forever.