I spoke at Ignite in the Glee Club in Cardiff in 2015. My talk was about anorexia and challenging the ideals the pro-ana community puts on anorexia with the dark reality of anorexia. At the time of the talk I was in a good place. My diet was still very restrictive, I was not a healthy weight and I still struggled but I was living my life too. I was on a high. I went out and experienced life, I went on TV and radio, I began writing for The Huffington Post. The talk got a great reception and I received Ignite’s first ever standing ovation. You can watch the talk here. I feel very differently now to how I did in the video so I thought I would do an update.
In my speech, I talk about how fatal anorexia can be and I can honestly hold my hands up and say that anorexia nearly killed me in December 2016. There was a point when I didn’t know if I would even reach Christmas Day. My bloods were all over the place, my heart was a mess and my weight was dangerously low.
In the video I say, “I didn’t sleep, I was addicted to laxatives and exercise” and ‘was’ was so important because I had overcome that but now I find myself asking for movicol and senna all the time and I take as many laxatives as the hospital allows me to and I know full well that if I was at home I would take more. My laxative addiction is back. It’s hard to exercise in hospital, I’m not really allowed to and I use a wheelchair to go everywhere but I find myself walking to the bin, or my stuff, or the sink as much as possible in order to burn a few calories. Burning off calories is always at the front of my mind.
I also say, “I wanted to die” and I wish I could fill you up with positivity and still be able to say that but now I would have to say, “I want to die” because I do. I’m in such a mess with anorexia and every single second of the day I wish I could press the stop button. I have received and am still receiving life saving care but I wish they would just let me die and escape this nightmare for good.
I was able to say, “I have anorexia, anorexia doesn’t have me” but this is now the other way around. Anorexia has me fully in it’s grips and I don’t know who the hell I am or even where to find me. “I am not worthless, I am Claire and life is what I make it” are words I can not say anymore,I feel incredibly worthless, like I’m a waste of resources. I don’t feel like Claire, I am not the same person now that I was in that video. I find it hard to believe that life is what I make it, my life feels incredibly out of control.
The comments in regards to pro-ana remain the same, my weight will never be low enough for me to be content and I cannot see how ill I am told I am. I do not feel thin but I’m told I’m dangerously underweight.
My message remains the same, anorexia is not something to strive for, mental illnesses are not fashion accessories and I am waiting on that minute that is going to change my life again.