I have no idea what I look like. People tell me that what I see isn’t what everyone else sees but it’s so hard to believe that when I can see with my own eyes and physically feel the fat on me.
I hide under my blankets and dressing gown so that people can’t see how fat I am. I feel as though everyone is judging me and that they must be thinking she’s too fat to have a feeding tube. She doesn’t have anorexia. Everytime my feed is due I get in a state of panic and anger…why are people feeding me when I’m this big, the nurse giving the feed must think I’m a joke. I’m not thin enough to struggle this much with food.
When I look in the mirror I find my reflection disgusting. I don’t see a clinically obese person staring back at me but I see thick thighs, a double chin and sticking out belly. Physically I can feel the fat on me, I get physical feelings like a warm, tingly feeling in my fat places.
I’m told that I feel fat instead of feeling an emotion but I find this rather difficult to believe. The feeling is just so real to me. How can you disagree with something you see and feel?
Right now I’m laying in a hospital bed with an NG tube up my nose. I have no choice in it, it isn’t just an NG tube but an NG bridle meaning it’s tied to the bone at the back of my nose so I can’t pull it out. I have no choice but to be fed, I’m on a Section 3.
Five times a day the nurse comes in with a bottle of feed and syringes it down my tube whilst two people hold my arms. I feel out of control, as though recovery and weight gain are being forced upon me…which I guess they are.
I dread feed time, the moment I see the bottle my heart races. Watching her pour the gloopy, milky liquid into the cup engulfs me with panic. Then seeing that liquid being sucked up the syringe makes me nauseous. I want to runaway, I want everything to stop. Then the syringe gets attached to my NG tube and the thick liquid glides through the syringe, through the tube and into my stomach. I can’t feel it. I can’t taste it. It makes me want to tear my skin off. It makes me want to be sick. I hold in my tears throughout the whole process.
Afterwards I feel so uncomfortable, I can feel the rolls of fat on my belly and my double chin, my thighs thick as tree trunks. I fear the weight gain and I have no choice but to sit there and go through it. There’s nothing I can do about it and that’s what scares me most. I’m not in control.
Okay so it’s been a while, I spent 8 months in a secure unit with my weight dropping and my mental health declining, then in December an eating disorder nurse from my home team came to see me at 8am in the morning. I remember being woken at 7am and having a shower on a chair because my legs would not stand and then being whisked off to the relaxation room to see her.
The nurse wanted to admit me to a general hospital for refeeding but I refused as it was so close to Christmas and I just wanted to be where I felt settled for the festive period. That night I was driven back to my home county and admitted to a general ward. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I had an NG tube inserted and was started on a feed straight away, drips were in my arms and blood tests taken.
A month later, here I am, still in the same bed, still being fed through a tube and struggling enormously. I feel fatter with each day, the sips of ensure are getting harder and not easier. The plan from here is to go to an eating disorder unit in London which I’m super scared about. I don’t know any more. This battle is hard.
I’m sitting on the end of my bed in hospital. Numb but in pain. I don’t understand anymore. Utter confusion. Dreaming of a future like a child, imagining I’ll be a vet or a teacher but seeing reality like an adult…I am just a psychiatric ward patient….I probably don’t even deserve the word ‘just’ in front of that. I’m a nothing, a no one. Three months locked away has completely detached me from the world around me. I belong nowhere and with no one. The world outside the window doesn’t feel like mine. It’s like I don’t remember what the rolling hills look like, nor the supermarket aisles or petrol stations. My ballet shoes disintegrated when my life turned into compost. Maybe new flowers will grow out of the soil but I doubt it. It feels like I’ll never feel the sun on my skin again and that my heart will never vibrate with the bass of loud music. Will I always be gone? Will I ever find me again?
Emotions get slammed a lot as being a negative aspect of us human beings. Being emotional is seen by some as a bad thing, a weakness, but whether we like it or not we all have emotions and it is healthier to accept that we are emotional beings. Emotions are neither good or bad, they just exist and it is not helpful to judge your emotions. Emotions don’t last forever, no matter what the emotion is or how intense it feels it will fade eventually and be replaced by another emotion.
There is a difference between having an emotion and acting on an emotion. You cannot choose your emotion but you can choose your reaction to it. It is okay to feel raging angry with someone but it is not okay to scream and shout at them and make them cry. When an intense emotion arrives you do not have to act on it, all you need to do is recognise the emotion, feel it and let it pass.
Emotions are not facts, just because you feel it, it doesn’t mean it is true. When emotions are very powerful they feel like the truth but they only feel like the truth, they are not the truth.
When thinking about healthy perspectives on emotion, it can be helpful to think about the white bear experiment. If someone tells you that for a minute you can think about anything you like but you must not think about the white bear, you will instantly be thinking of the white bear and be thinking that you mustn’t be thinking about it. This is very similar to obsessional thinking and the thoughts that say, “I am a terrible person if I think X” and then you can’t help but think X. When we have certain emotions that we feel are wrong or bad we may think, “I’m having this emotion, I don’t like it, go away” and we may do all we can to push it away but this is not effective, the emotion will keep coming back to us.
You cannot get rid of emotions, emotions are there because they serve important survival functions. The best way to deal with emotions in a healthy and effective way is to be willing to radically accept your emotions as they arise.