I’ve been debating whether to write about this all day because I don’t want to be too negative but then I realised if I truly want to speak out about mental health then I have to talk about the darkest parts too. So yes, last night I tried to take my life.
I feel rather hopeless at the moment. I’ve been in hospital since 2015 and I can’t remember what it’s like to be a part of society and some days I’m not sure that I want to be a part of society. My life has become sitting in a room watching films with two members of staff either side of my bed. I’m scared of my first night sleeping on my own, of tasting food for the first time, of stepping outside, of talking to people. Everything scares me and in a way this has become comfortable. Comfortable but I also hate it. I want to go home and just be allowed to not eat but they will not let me because I will die, because even though I was in hospital I nearly died. I’ve appealed against my section but the chances of my section being lifted are very slim. This is my life and I don’t want it.
I know most people don’t want to hear this but the majority of time I do not believe recovery is possible for me. Please if you are suffering do not let that lose hope for you, that isn’t what I want to do but at the same time I don’t want to stay silent in my darkest moments.
Life is painful right now, each feed is intensely distressing, I have to take it hour by hour and sometimes that’s too much. I just can’t stand being in the body I am in, I can’t stand myself and I wish it was possible to leave this world without leaving a massive black hole.
Last night wasn’t impulsive, it was planned. I had the means hidden for a few days and I knew I was going to do it. I timed it well and knew how to do it without the people next to me seeing. I thought I was going to die but they heard the sound of me gasping and that was it, I was caught and the means were taken from me. So here I am still alive and to be totally honest I’m a bit disappointed that I am. I have dots all over my face and neck from where my blood vessels burst.
I don’t have the means to try again and I won’t for now but I just wanted to speak out from the bottom of this deep dark hole. I just wanted to be honest with my struggle.
It’s my birthday on Thursday and part of me wants to really celebrate it because I nearly didn’t make it due to my anorexia and due to last night but the other part of me doesn’t want to celebrate at all because truly and honestly I wish I hadn’t been born. Then I wouldn’t have caused all the hurt and pain and trouble I have caused by being ill. Then I wouldn’t have to feel all the distress I do. This is my raw honesty.
Today is Time To Talk day 2017 so take 5 minutes to talk about mental health. It is so important that we get these conversations going because they can save lives as well as working to stamp out stigma.
This Time To Talk day, I’m going to tell you a little bit about how I’m spending it. I’m currently in a general hospital being tube fed for my anorexia, I’m on 2:1 observations meaning I have two members of staff with me at all times and I’m on a level 4 which means I must be within arms length of the staff members, this includes when using the toilet. So there the facts about my situation but now it’s time to talk about how I feel.
I’m confused, recovery and weight restoration is being forced on me and I’m not sure that I want it. I’m scared about the future, my team are looking for a unit to send me to and so far none have accepted me. I don’t know what the near future holds for me. I’m homesick, I haven’t been home in 18 months and I would give anything to sit on the sofa with my family and dog and watch some rubbish telly. I feel alone and lost, I haven’t seen many people in the last 18 months and my grandmother has passed away during that time, I never got to say goodbye, I wasn’t well enough to go to her funeral and that breaks my heart everyday. I’m annoyed and angry at myself for losing out on so much. My goddaughter will be 3 in March and I’ve missed so much of her growing up, my dog is 14 and I’m scared she will die before I get home.
I have conversations about mental health every single day because I am unwell, but you don’t have to be ill to talk about mental health. We all have mental health, so please this Time To Talk Day 2017, take 5 minutes to ask someone how they are, send a text, natter over a cuppa, get the conversation going about mental health.
Happy Time To Talk Day everyone!
I need you to know that I have a personality disorder, it is the diagnosis that I don’t speak about publicly and rarely talk about to anybody because I’m scared that telling you what I have will make you think I am a bad person. I desperately need you to understand what life with a personality disorder is like. It isn’t an excuse for the way I behave, it’s an explanation.
My personality disorder makes any kind of relationship difficult. No one seems to stay long in my life and I often find that I am ‘too much’ for people as I am vulnerable and dependent. I feel inadequate a lot of the time. I struggle to fit in and often my efforts lead to me embarrassing myself. I have powerful relationships and a lot of love to give but they are full of terror and fear. I fear abandonment and rejection so much that it normally leads to the relationship breaking down. Being close to me is a challenge and I find myself constantly asking for reassurance in relationships but in the end the mistrust and need for reassurance pushes the other person away. The slightest change in a relationship feels unbearable. I find it hard to believe peoples’ excuses for not seeing me and I take it as rejection. I often end up attacking those who are close to me ensuring the very abandonment I fear. I can’t control myself. I’m like a tornado destroying everything in my path. Personality disorders are destructive. Never think that I don’t care about others, my struggles with relationships make me think I should be alone forever and stay away from everybody. Self-hatred is always with me and the hurt I’ve caused plays on repeat. I’ve lost so many people because of my personality disorder and it’s agonising.
I struggle with my identity, I don’t really know who I am, and neither do I understand myself. Things can change dramatically one moment to the next. In two minutes I can go from being full of hope to completely hopeless. I can be motivated to change the world one minute and the next not have the motivation to wash myself. I am impulsive which leads to me spending money I don’t have and getting into a financial situation that I need help to get out of. I struggle with bursts of anger that take over me and often lead to me self-harming. I struggle with suicidal tendencies but no wonder death is appealing, my world is very confusing and painful. The mood swings, paranoia and delusions on top of the confusion and anxiety in relationships is exhausting. I’m terrified of the future, what if I’m always like this? Will I ever be able to have normal relationships and get married and have a family? Will that ever be a reality for me?
I can explain my personality disorder to you but I can’t make you understand it. I just hope that somehow this piece of writing helps you to understand how complicated life with a personality can be and I hope that the people in my life that read this can give me their time and patience to remain in my life.
Dear Police/Crisis teams/Nurses/Doctors/Healthcare workers,
I understand that many of you see mental health crises on a daily basis and I can understand that you probably become quite numb to the situation. I can imagine that seeing your first patient who is seriously contemplating suicide was probably very emotional and difficult for you but after seeing hundreds of patients who want to take their life you become so used to it that it becomes the same as walking to the shop and buying some milk
I understand that for some of you it is simply just your job and just your way of making ends meet but I also know that many of you are incredibly passionate and caring human beings and you want to help those people in need.
Whilst I know that you may become quite numb to your work, please try to put yourself in the patient’s shoes. In every patient’s shoes. They may just be another patient to you but it is this person’s entire life and if that person was found very distressed or mid-way through attempting to take their life then that is heartbreaking. Whilst you cannot get emotionally attached to each case that you come across, please think carefully about how you treat them.
When I am in a mental health crisis small talk becomes big talk. I’m often asked if I’m in education or have a job or if I aspire to. I can barely think, I can’t get my mind to form sentences and right at that moment my occupation is the least of my worries. If someone was in front of you having an asthma attack then you would ask about their breathing and so on, I doubt you’d start asking them if they have a job.
Be aware that the person in front of you probably doesn’t like themselves or their life very much and therefore may feel very sensitive or self-conscious. I tend to get comments on how I look very young or like a 12 year old and “I bet you don’t get served in a pub!” These comments are not helpful when I feel like I don’t want to be alive. I know that you are just trying to make conversation but sometimes when I’m poorly I don’t want these conversations.
Please try to look at each person in crisis as a ‘new person’ rather than ‘another person’. Try to imagine yourself in that person’s position. If you wanted to die would you want to discuss your employment? If you had anorexia would you want to be asked “Do you ever feel hungry?” and constantly offered a sandwich? If you were struggling with body dysmorphia would you want people to comment on your looks?
Finally, please realise that the care you provide to that person will be remembered. I have had triage nurses put me off going to A&E, I have the worry of ending up in a police cell again every time I reach crisis point and I’ve had very triggering and upsetting comments from mental health professionals that have left me feeling like it is easier to remain silent.
Please be the person that the patient remembers for outstanding care, please be the person that helps a poorly and vulnerable person and offers them an appropriate ear. Give hope and help at a time when that person really needs it because in that moment you are the one with the power to make a difference.
Many thanks in advance,
During times of crisis I have been told many times to call the police but I often wonder the appropriateness of this. I have phoned my crisis team during a crisis and been told that I should call the police and this completely and utterly baffles me. In a mental health crisis whilst on the phone to the mental health crisis team why is it appropriate to call the police who have very little training in mental health?
The police cannot provide me with my PRN medication or administer it. Mental health problems are medical and most require medication. If they were to assess me at my psychiatric hospital then I would have access to a nurse who could administer medication should I need it. How are the police going to handle someone in need of medication in an appropriate and non-distressing way?
The police, whilst they have been kind and caring towards me, they simply do not having the training in mental health to help people who are desperately unwell. When my illness had beat me down to the ground, when I was exhausted from anorexia and crushed by depression I did not want to be explaining what anorexia is like or hearing, “So do you just not like food?” I needed someone trained in mental health to be caring for me and the option to have a conversation if I needed to talk.
Funding cuts aren’t just being made within the health care system, they are also being made within the police force. The police are needed to keep our streets safe, to fight crime and to arrest those individuals that aren’t complying with the laws of society. When I was unwell I had two officers with me for an entire Friday night…this was the Friday before Christmas. The police force needed those officers on the streets but because my mental health team didn’t step up and take responsibility, two police officers spent their entire shift sat with me in a hospital waiting room.
It’s absurd that people struggling with mental illness are told by mental health services to phone the police….it’s like calling for an ambulance because someone is having a heart attack and being told to phone the police instead.
These are peoples’ lives, a mental health crisis is often life threatening and getting the care wrong can have fatal consequences. The police’s resources are also limited, they need to be doing the job that they are trained to do. So why do mental health teams feel that it is appropriate to direct patients to call the police during times of crisis?