If I Were To Get Well…

This week my psychologist and I spoke about if I were to get well and what it would look like and my fears around it and to be totally honest I can’t remember what it’s like to be well. It has been over a decade of illness and nearly two years since I came into hospital after a handful of shorter admissions.

If I really try to imagine it I imagine a ‘well’ life to be quite good. I wouldn’t be in hospital and I’d be at home again with my family and my dog. I’d bake and cook meals and snacks for myself, I have hoards of recipes saved for when I get better and I can’t wait to try them out. I would enjoy eating, an idea that seems incredibly alien to me right now. I would go to ballet and help out with the younger classes. I would go to the beach with my friends and laugh the night away at karaoke. I’d watch telly with my family and go to the cinema with my dad. I’d play on the 2p machines at Barry Island with my mum. I would have my freedom back and I could go on walks alone, just my iPad and me. I’d experience new things, new foods, new places. I would live instead of exist. I would be able to be an adult although that absolutely terrifies me.

Everything about getting well is full of uncertainty and it completely overwhelms me. I’m scared to eat again, it’s been nearly a year since food passed my lips and it terrifies me to think of the day I have to put it in my mouth again. I don’t even know how my stomach would physically handle solid food after so long. I’m scared of the taste and texture and ‘greasy’ feeling food gives me. I’m scared to gain weight, to be fatter than I am now. I’m scared that none of my clothes would fit me. I’m scared that being bigger would make me hate myself even more than I already do. I’m scared of the responsibilities that come with life, I’ve got a lot to learn, and I’m scared of the day another of my loved ones dies, it feels unbearable to think about my mother and father dying. I don’t even think I could handle my dog dying. I need to reintegrate back into society and that scares me, even the thought of standing in a supermarket aisle terrifies me at the moment because I am so used to these four walls. I also worry that I wouldn’t have anything to blog about. My whole social media outlet is centered by mental illness and if I were to get well then where would that leave me? I’m not sure that I know who I am without all of this and the thought of being an adult terrifies me. I might be in my twenties but I don’t feel ready for that yet. What would I do for a career, I mean I don’t even have A levels, would I have to go back and study? A recovered future is full of questions. If I were to get well then I wouldn’t have a mental health team around me, these people I have known for years will not be in my life anymore and that really scares me.

I want a normal life, a recovered life but I’m not sure that it’s possible and that makes me feel a bit torn when it comes to recovery. Part of me wants to really give it a shot but the other part wants to give up and die and I can’t say which side is winning at the moment although it is probably the latter.

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4 thoughts on “If I Were To Get Well…

  1. First of all, I think you should talk to Beauty Beyond Bones (@anarevealed on Twitter) if you don’t already know her. I think she may be able to give you some advice. Also, you could definitely change the theme of your blog when you recover. Blogs represent us and they’re allowed to change with us. 🙂

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  2. I think admitting the fears about recovery is a good step, there are both pros and cons to recovery even if outsiders can’t always understand that. The only way to know if the pros outweigh the cons though is to take a leap of faith. It’s scary but there are so many of us on the recovered/nearly recovered side that will vouch it is worth it! And as for blogging etc, your (great) skills as a writer/activist are far more likely to shrink as a result of your illness rather than a result of your recovery, don’t let ED trick you into that one.

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  3. You and i have different mental health issues and experiences, but inwant to give you some hope. I had 6 long years of severe depression and bpd. Then, suddenly, i recovered. I had been worried about recovery, didn’t feel it was possible and that help and support would be withdrawn. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m able to build relationships now i’m well which has given me even more support, i don’t need the mh team and i don’t miss them. A month into my recovery my beloved mum unexpectedly died. I didn’t regress. I remained well and able to cope. It will happen for you too. I am in no why trying to belittle your fears, i get it. But please have hope x

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  4. The fact that you’re thinking about what it would be like to be recovered is a very positive thing. You’re testing the water.
    All my best wishes for the future.

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