I Tried To Take My Life Last Night

I’ve been debating whether to write about this all day because I don’t want to be too negative but then I realised if I truly want to speak out about mental health then I have to talk about the darkest parts too. So yes, last night I tried to take my life.

I feel rather hopeless at the moment. I’ve been in hospital since 2015 and I can’t remember what it’s like to be a part of society and some days I’m not sure that I want to be a part of society. My life has become sitting in a room watching films with two members of staff either side of my bed. I’m scared of my first night sleeping on my own, of tasting food for the first time, of stepping outside, of talking to people. Everything scares me and in a way this has become comfortable. Comfortable but I also hate it. I want to go home and just be allowed to not eat but they will not let me because I will die, because even though I was in hospital I nearly died. I’ve appealed against my section but the chances of my section being lifted are very slim. This is my life and I don’t want it.

I know most people don’t want to hear this but the majority of time I do not believe recovery is possible for me. Please if you are suffering do not let that lose hope for you, that isn’t what I want to do but at the same time I don’t want to stay silent in my darkest moments.

Life is painful right now, each feed is intensely distressing, I have to take it hour by hour and sometimes that’s too much. I just can’t stand being in the body I am in, I can’t stand myself and I wish it was possible to leave this world without leaving a massive black hole.

Last night wasn’t impulsive, it was planned. I had the means hidden for a few days and I knew I was going to do it. I timed it well and knew how to do it without the people next to me seeing. I thought I was going to die but they heard the sound of me gasping and that was it, I was caught and the means were taken from me. So here I am still alive and to be totally honest I’m a bit disappointed that I am. I have dots all over my face and neck from where my blood vessels burst.

I don’t have the means to try again and I won’t for now but I just wanted to speak out from the bottom of this deep dark hole. I just wanted to be honest with my struggle.

It’s my birthday on Thursday and part of me wants to really celebrate it because I nearly didn’t make it due to my anorexia and due to last night but the other part of me doesn’t want to celebrate at all because truly and honestly I wish I hadn’t been born. Then I wouldn’t have caused all the hurt and pain and trouble I have caused by being ill. Then I wouldn’t have to feel all the distress I do. This is my raw honesty.

 

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4 thoughts on “I Tried To Take My Life Last Night

  1. I’m so sorry things reached this point Claire. I know how if feels to think recovery isn’t possible, around the time we first “met” i had just tried to take my life for the sixth time in a one year period, some would say i was really bad at it but I now think it wasn’t meant to be. The darkness is consuming, and I can’t say what it’s like to have spent so much time in hospital, but I know that you have so much to live for, with your family and your dog. You are moving to the new unit soon and I think you will see a huge change in your treatment and therefore yourself once you get there. Please don’t let the darkness consume you. ❤

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  2. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m praying that things will look up for you, in the meantime, don’t be afraid to share your story and reach out. That’s how healing happens.

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  3. So sorry to hear you are going through this at the moment, I wish I could just wave a magic wand and fix everything. I understand why you feel the way you do, and thinking of you brings tears to my eyes I’ve attempted suicide in hospital too. I know how powerfully all consuming that self hatred is and how hard it is to even imagine there is any other way of being, I get what it’s like to be repulsed by your body and how the thought of accepting yourself is like being asked to kill an innocent child. Sending you all my love and thoughts, you are strong, brave and courageous for speaking out. Thankyou

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