It’s Scary Getting Well

I’m by no means well. I’m typing this in a general hospital bed with a tube up my nose and two members of staff arms length from me but I’m better than I was. Yes, the slight bit of betterness was due to being forced into treatment (sectioned, force fed and having medication forced upon me) but I still am better than I was and I’m finding this whole thing really scary.

I can now sit up on my own for a good length of time, I can concentrate enough to read a book a chapter at a time, I can walk to the toilet with assistance, I can just about wash myself…these are all things I couldn’t do when I arrived on this general ward in December. Whilst it’s nice that I can do these things, it scares me. Without getting a little better I wouldn’t be able to type this post.

It’s scary because I don’t feel ready to be better, to live a well life and have a healthy body. It’s scary because life scares me, responsibility, finances, relationships, careers…the list of fears is endless and getting better means facing all of these things.

I’m used to feeling poorly, I had got used to the weak, frail, dying body I was in. I wouldn’t say I liked it but I was used to it and the change in health (whilst still not great) feels somewhat uncomfortable. I can’t get used to being able to do a fair amount of things by myself. I’m not sure why but I don’t like it and it really, really scares me. I want to go backwards to where I was in December and I know I shouldn’t want that but I do and maybe that’s what this illness does, I don’t know. I just know that I’m scared and confused and hugely uncomfortable.

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4 thoughts on “It’s Scary Getting Well

  1. Hey Claire, we don’t know each other but I’ve been noticing your posts and thought I’d read this one…I’m sorry that things have gotten to where they have but at the same time (like you) I am thankful that you are better than where you were. I notice the dissonance, that you’d like to go back to a place that is more familiar i.e. being sick 😦 rather than facing the unknown and predictability of wellness. I believe it is natural but I know you can be so much more, not just living in survival mode but thriving and being who God created you to be and fulfilling the mission He put you on this earth to accomplish. Only you can do it…we need you 🙂 and we need you well. Although I’ve never been hospitalized, I’ve lived with Bipolar Disorder since 1999 and I know it can be so hard, and tiring and frustrating and unfair-feeling and it’s hard to see all this when the sun isn’t shining in your corner but I thought I’d try and shine some light your way and remind you that you are loved and needed. Thanks for keeping the posts going. Love!

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  2. Use that fear, it’s what is going to drive you forward and help you find wellness, or at least a level of wellness that you are comfortable with. Fear is scary but it’s also empowering and while it is comfortable to crawl back to the illness you know that getting well is where you will find happiness, where you will get to do all those small things right now you are missing. Sending you so much love. xxx

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  3. Claire I have just read your post. As the Grandma of 20 year old male anorexic, I can understand a lot of your feelings. Yes Claire use the fear to give you strength to move forward. Face the Unknown. It will take you out of your comfort zone but you can do it. You have so much to live for. Life has so much to offer you. God bless.

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  4. Fear is natural, as mentioned already, but as it has already been mentioned, it can be empowering too. Small steps. It’s easy saying than doing, I know, what i am about to say, but try not too think too far ahead. Like I say, it’s easy saying than doing. But try just small steps.

    It’s great to hear of improvement you are feeling and I can tell you are aware that although you feel this improvement, you know also you have some way to go. You are aware of all you are feeling and that is good. I would like to say also on well done to you writing this, while you are going through this journey. These are all small steps you are doing right now, that are helping you to keep going forward. x

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