Footsteps Outside My Door

It’s that time of day when my feed is normally due. The nurse is doing her medication rounds and I don’t know when she is coming to me. I am on edge. Distracted. Distant. Every time I hear footsteps outside my door I am thrown into panic and my heart races. I don’t want to do this. I’m so uncomfortable in my body as I am let alone with more calories being pumped into me. I need the control back, I wish they would give me some. I have no choice, I can drink the ensure, or have it put down my NG tube willingly or I can be restrained whilst the thick, calorific liquid is pumped into me…but I don’t want it. I don’t want it at all. I’ve had enough today and I feel that as an adult I should be able to control what goes into my body. I’m just so scared. I want to be left alone.

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