Being Tube Fed

Right now I’m laying in a hospital bed with an NG tube up my nose. I have no choice in it, it isn’t just an NG tube but an NG bridle meaning it’s tied to the bone at the back of my nose so I can’t pull it out. I have no choice but to be fed, I’m on a Section 3.

Five times a day the nurse comes in with a bottle of feed and syringes it down my tube whilst two people hold my arms. I feel out of control, as though recovery and weight gain are being forced upon me…which I guess they are.

I dread feed time, the moment I see the bottle my heart races. Watching her pour the gloopy, milky liquid into the cup engulfs me with panic. Then seeing that liquid being sucked up the syringe makes me nauseous. I want to runaway, I want everything to stop. Then the syringe gets attached to my NG tube and the thick liquid glides through the syringe, through the tube and into my stomach. I can’t feel it. I can’t taste it. It makes me want to tear my skin off. It makes me want to be sick. I hold in my tears throughout the whole process.

Afterwards I feel so uncomfortable, I can feel the rolls of fat on my belly and my double chin, my thighs thick as tree trunks. I fear the weight gain and I have no choice but to sit there and go through it. There’s nothing I can do about it and that’s what scares me most. I’m not in control.

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9 thoughts on “Being Tube Fed

  1. Oh Claire.
    Anorexia is an awful battle.
    I want you to recover from it and go on to live the life you deserve to live.
    My words seem inadequate. I’m short on wisdom right now.
    Glad to see you posting. I’m so sorry you’re suffering so much.
    You are a beautiful person, bright and talented. You matter.
    Xx

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  2. I know this is awful for you. And I know the anorexia is making you feel lots of things that aren’t real and you have to find a way to overcome those feelings. Once you get over this hurdle and can face food the tube will go and you are one step closer to freedom. You are a beautiful person inside and out never ever forget that. I will see you again soon. xxx

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  3. I feel a bit uncomfortable pressing the like button, I wish there was an “empathetic” button. Although my struggles are different than yours, struggling can be somewhat universal. I was so moved by your final line “I’m not in control”. I wish I had the magic words to say that you are, all I can say, is be with what you are feeling, gently, and I hope that path moves you towards being in control with what you are feeling. It may feel like a tall order, but I have faith in you and that you will be in a better place, a better place with you, a better place in this world. Sending you a million +1 hugs, Harlon

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  4. I wish I could hug your pain away. I hope you find strength to realise you are in control and I hope one day soon, you will battle the anorexia from winning and start to love food again. Once you start to eat, that tube can eventually go. The tube may feel awful, but it is keeping you alive at the moment and helping you to keep your strength. Sending you bst wishes into fighting this and being you again, on a beautiful road of recovery.

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  5. Oh God. I struggled with Anorexia for years as a teen and EDNOS later in life. You are living with what was once my biggest nightmare. I know it is to save your life, you know it is to save your life and yet at the time the feeling of being out of control and forced to endure your biggest fear is utterly terrifying and impossible. I want to hug you across the keyboard, tell you that this will be over soon and you will get through it.
    One day you will find that it has slowly become easier, the thoughts are less, the mirror less judgemental, one day you will eat a meal, by choice and pause for a moment because you suddenly realise that you ate it without even thinking, like other people.
    Of all my issues, the ED takes the biggest toll, it comes and goes in severity and at times rocks me to my core, the pain etched in my now brittle bones a subtle reminder even on the good days, scars remain, but they fade with time. This hell you are living now, the demons you are forced to face, as hard as it is to imagine, one day you will even be grateful for it. Although it seems like you are being slowly killed by the psychiatrists and nurses the actions they are taking mean that you get a future, you get a chance. Grab that chance, embrace it.
    Sending so much love to you xx

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