After spending quite some time in a psychiatric ward, I am finding it difficult to re-integrate with the world around me. It’s like the volume of the world has tripled and I struggle with the noise of a supermarket. There’s too much noise everywhere I go. It’s cold everywhere too, I’m used to the warmth of the ward and my legs get tired walking because they haven’t done much for so long.
I’ve been away for a while and I wonder if my friends are still my friends and if people will remember me when I return to ballet and ice skating. Does anyone even notice that I’m gone?
Nothing feels the same anymore. It was summer when I went into hospital but now the seasons have changed and it’s Autumn and there’s Christmas trees on the shelf where the paddling pools were the last time I was in the shop. It’s overwhelming. A world I struggle to recognise.
My bedroom at home just feels like a room rather than ‘my bedroom’ as months of post and items my mum has tidied up are placed around the edge of the room. Things in places where they don’t belong. It’s as though the life has drained out of my bedroom like it drained out of me.
I don’t feel I belong anywhere, I hate being in hospital but I don’t belong at home yet either and I worry the slot I had in life has gone. The reasons for recovery have slipped out of view and are covered in spider webs and dust along with my shoes and dresses and make up.
I only have hours off the ward at the moment and overnight leave occasionally but it’s so difficult. Leave is hard work. A challenge. I can’t believe I used to do it everyday and every night at one point with no problems. I’m at the bottom of the mountain again with the entire monstrous hill to climb.
Mental Illness Talk 
This is the most inspiring blog I’ve ever read. Thank you x
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You’re at the bottom at the mountain BUT you’ve climbed it before, you know you can make it to the top. You also know it’s a hard slog but you have lots of climbing companions if you’ll let us climb alongside you. Thinking of you. Sorry it’s hard. Well done for battling on. Your honesty is inspiring. Xxx
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I have faith in you Claire. One step at a time, you can do it.
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You may be at the bottom of the mountain but you most definitely can get back up. Believe in yourself and you’ll get there, one little step at time, you’ll get there. Take all the time you need. Stay strong lovely x
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Fight on Claire….you are an inspiration to many,many people believe me !! You will be dancing again soon…we are waiting for you when the time is right my darling xxxx
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Honey, having seen and read about your struggles for awhile I would argue strongly that you are NOT at the bottom of the mountain – every admission, every session, we learn more about ourselves and gain more insight. You are not the person you were on your first admission true but from what I have seen you are stronger and wiser for it and have changed in a lot of positive ways even if that’s hard to see right now through the filters of Depression, despair and fear which are undoubtedly going to colour the way you see yourself and the progress you HAVE made.
Reintegration is really hard but remember you are surrounded by people who don’t just sympathise but have been there so can empathise and perhaps give you a few tips and ideas to ease this transition back into the community. You are not alone and never will be ❤
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