There’s Nowhere For Me To Go

I haven’t been well lately, my mood has crashed completely, the flashbacks are overwhelming and anorexia has been screaming at me. The past five weeks have been a downhill spiral of self harm, suicidal thoughts and no energy to do anything. Unfortunately it is also summer meaning that my psychologist, dietitian and psychiatrist have taken big chunks of leave.

Last Monday I can barely remember, according to my friend I was extremely withdrawn and not well and she took me to hospital to be assessed. We phoned the psychiatric ward at 6:15 pm and I was not assessed until 4.30 am. Waiting so long in an acute mental health crisis was really not helpful. Hospital was meant to help but the entire stay was horrific and stressful. Some of the staff were incredibly rude to everyone. My friend was crying and they opened the door and said, “Off you go!” and left her crying on the curb outside.

I ended up with the wrong medication most of the time and when I went to correct them it didn’t sort anything out. I actually had to explain to a qualified nurse the difference between tramadol and trazodone. I was given one out of my seven tablets at nighttime and when I explained the nurse didn’t return with the right dose and so that was a pretty sleepless night.

I was put in a two bedded room and I accepted that was the only bed even though I struggle hugely with sharing. The staff assured me that as soon as a single room became available it would be mine. The next morning I was put in the four bedded room when single bedrooms were available. I couldn’t help but wonder if they were deliberately trying to wind me up but I just left it because the staff had caused so much stress by that point that I simply gave up.

One patient threatened to kill me with their bare hands and strangle me. It was extremely distressing for me but the staff didn’t seem to care. I came into hospital to get better and feel safe and I felt anything but.

The last straw was when I tried to use the skills we are taught in DBT to distract myself from hurting myself. I asked the occupational therapist if I could do something and her response was, “Usually people with low mood don’t want to do anything.” Her comment put me in a place of guilt, shame and wanting to give up on DBT.

I decided the ward was too stressful and was making me worse and so I asked for leave until ward round and they allowed it. I got home and sat in a chair and cried for hours. Home wasn’t the right place. If I broke my leg then my mum and dad couldn’t x-ray it, diagnose it and put it in a cast. Neither can they fix my broken mind. I silently struggled until ward round and then explained the situation to which they had no solutions and I decided discharge was the only option.

I am now at home with no energy or motivation to do anything, very poorly with depression, battling with self harm and suicidal thoughts, hating myself and struggling with my eating disorder. Home is not the right place for me at the moment but hospital is too stressful which leaves me with nowhere to go…how can that be right?

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7 thoughts on “There’s Nowhere For Me To Go

  1. Claire I’m so sorry. This is a horrible, horrible situation to be in. I hope that some of your team return from holiday soon and make sure that the right care is put in place for you. You deserve compassion and kindness, not this. Keep taking your medication, keep using your skills when you can. You’re often in my thoughts; know that you are loved and cared about by so many people. I hope that the world looks brighter soon, but for now, follow the little fishy, and just keep swimming xxx

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  2. Oh Claire, i am so so sorry that you have been treated so badly, I literally have tears in my eyes after reading your blog. I know this is such a difficult time for you, but please try and keep strong and keep practising your DBT skills and use things like your self-soothe box. Thinking of you, you can and you will get through this xxx

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  3. THis is so terrible that you feel that you have nowhere to go and nowhere to turn. The so called ‘care’ you received sounds like it was anything but care, and definitely has not helped you on the road to recovery. I wish that you could get the right help and support, it is absolutely appalling the way you were treated. Keep trying to use your DBT skills, they will come in so useful for you during this difficult crisis time. Thinking of you very much. Take care and stay strong xxx

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  4. I’ve never been admitted to a ward, regardless how sick I’ve been they’ve always kept me under obs for up to 72hrs in a A&E ward then pushed the responsibility onto my family to look after me. Reading what they have put you through I’m relieved to have not been admitted. I’m sorry you are so low. I hope you’re support team return from holidays soon so you can start getting good support. Try not to get too overwhelmed, concentrate on being as well as you can be for now, everything else will slowly follow. Big hugs xxx

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  5. It can’t be right because it’s not right x thinking of you, respectful of your honesty and self-awareness & hearing your voice, Em

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  6. Im so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs to you and I really hope and pray that you feel better, you’re so strong for keeping going and there are so many people who care that you are here ❤ You are not alone, despite feeling like you are at times

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