I often convince myself that going against anorexia’s word will make me feel worst, or perhaps it’s anorexia that convinces me that. I worry that I won’t be able to cope with the guilt or self-disgust that I fear comes with recovery but that is anorexia lying to me.
In hospital last weekend I felt very physically ill. I was weak and dizzy. I wanted my phone but only made it half way down the corridor before walking back to bed because I felt so ill. Barely being able to get out of bed does not feel good.
A nurse offered me a banana and I normally I would’ve turned it down but I accepted it. Spontaneously and outside of a ‘meal time’ I ate a banana and it was enough to enable me to sit up without my vision going funny. Shortly after this it was lunch time and with encouragement I had a roast dinner, a mini trifle and an orange juice…it was more than I had allowed myself in a very long time and I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten any of those foods. I didn’t want to admit it but I enjoyed every bite. I actually enjoyed food! It felt so liberating and exciting. I was beating anorexia and it felt way better than being too dizzy to get out of bed.
I am writing this post as a reminder to myself and anyone suffering that recovery does feel good and eating can be enjoyable, it’s anorexia’s lies that convince you otherwise.