It’s been a struggle lately, things rapidly went downhill after my Birthday and the past twelve days have been among my hardest ever. I was hiding the struggle and the pain, convinced that I had to appear to have it all together so I could carry on helping others but then I realised that no, this isn’t what I am about. Hiding my mental health problems is the total opposite of the message I want to share with the world. Talking about my mental health problems in the past helps others so maybe talking about my current struggles will help too. Why am I hiding my illness? There is no shame in being poorly. Not at all.
My battle is that there is an evil and angry woman’s voice that I hear and only starvation can quieten or silence that voice. I feel that it leaves me with two options. Firstly, I can engage in anorexia behaviours which will result in low weight, coldness, physical exhaustion, I will become unable to think, concentrate or function and eventually I will die or be admitted to hospital. Or I can go against anorexia and eat food resulting in the voice getting louder and louder, screaming and blocking out all other sounds. The voice shouts at me to hurt myself, to kill myself and to stay inside forever because I am too fat and grotesque to leave.
I feel stuck right now, hopeless. I do not want to live my life with anorexia but neither do I want to live my life with anorexia’s voice screaming at me. I want to live my life, I do, there is so much in the world that can be exciting and amazing. I love smiling. I love laughing. I love making happy memories, but the thought of having to live as an anorexia sufferer or be controlled by the voice, the thought that they are the only options terrifies me. I don’t want to think about how my future will pan out. I’m so scared.
The past 12 days there have been many incidents because of anorexia’s voice. I am emotionally exhausted and I imagine those around me are too. Sitting in my friend’s car in a lay by with my heart racing and sobbing uncontrollably after anorexia was screaming at me to do something. Another day two police vans, two ambulances, two youth workers and their managers turned up at my house after the voice screamed at me again which resulted in an afternoon spent at hospital and physical scars that will remain on my body forever.
They wanted me to be admitted in to hospital, the doctor had found me a bed on the psychiatric ward and it was everyone’s recommendation. Whilst it would probably be safer for me to be admitted to hospital, I don’t feel it would be right. It’s a huge battle right now and it feels very difficult to get through each hour of the day but going into hospital won’t change that, it would just take away the good parts of my life like this blog and being able to sit in the fresh air and be with my family. I also want to learn to manage this in the community with medication and support, I don’t want to recover in hospital and then have to do it all again when I go back into the ‘real world’.
I hope that I can do this at home, I’m giving it my best shot but if I end up in hospital I will just have to accept it and find a way forward.
Wishing you all a very Happy Easter!!!