climbED: The Reflection In The Mirror

The reflection in the mirror is a lie, a constant changing lie that twists and turns with the thoughts and feelings in my mind and the food in my stomach. My eyes work fine and yet somehow this message gets interrupted along the way. I can look at myself and be okay with what I see but when I return to the mirror moments later I’ll see bones and worry I am too thin and that my illness is noticeable. I walk away and return again, this time my thighs have grown and there will be fat on my knee caps.

The reflection in the mirror is a lie, some days I have a double chin but then other days I have a defined jaw line. Isn’t it kind of funny that I’m not blind and yet I don’t know what I look like. The image I see is a reflection of my day, my mood, my memories, my feelings and not what my body actually looks like and I have to remember that on the days I see a fat, disgusting monster. I have to remember that this is my mind playing tricks.

The reflection in the mirror is a lie and I remember the day this lie started. My 13th Birthday and I was awake at the crack of dawn because I was so excited. I walked into the bathroom singing “it’s your Birthday, we’re gonna party like it’s your Birthday” and then I saw it. I saw my disgusting, ugly face and I went straight back to my room and cried. Crying because I looked so horrible and didn’t want to go to school where people would have to see me. I laid on the sofa feeling disgusted at the way I looked to the point I couldn’t talk, couldn’t do anything. I just wanted to disappear so that people wouldn’t see me. I felt like the ugliest person alive and it happened overnight.

The reflection in the mirror has been lying to me for nearly 10 years now. It can confuse, frustrate and anger me and I have had many mornings with clothes thrown all over the room and tears rolling down my face but I haven’t had a morning like that in a while. I am slowly learning to accept that how I see myself isn’t how others see me, my mother telling me I am beautiful means far more to me than the mirror and my mind saying I am not.

Body dysmorphia, I refuse to let you win.

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