As shocking as it is I found these words leaving my mouth when talking to my psychologist today. I have never been confident in myself, everything that I have done in my life has never been good enough. My eating disorder often convinces me that it is the only good part of me when in reality it is the main bad part of me but a lot of the time I used to believe those thoughts.
With my eating disorder thoughts telling me that it makes me successful, it disregards all the positives about me to the point that I can rarely think of any because for years and years my eating disorder has pushed these out and made me believe that the A grades, the achievements and everything that I have done has been down to my eating disorder. I believed it made me focus, made me work harder and gave me the confidence I needed to do things.
The truth is that my eating disorder doesn’t make me successful at all, in fact quite the opposite. My talents, passion, hard work and sheer guts made me successful and for some reason writing that now is difficult, as though I can’t say those things about myself. My eating disorder did one thing for me, it lost me everything. College courses, jobs, friends. Anorexia has the ability to end everything that I have going on right now. I never thought I’d want to cry over seeing a loss on the scales but right now life is going well and I cannot allow anorexia to be in control. I want to live my life and not spend it shut in a psychiatric ward being fed. My eating disorder does not make me successful. I make me successful.