climbED: There isn’t just thin or fat, there is healthy!

I realised that when I look at pictures of myself or my reflection in the mirror then I often see myself as thin or fat, there is no in between but the truth of the situation is that I have never been overweight, or remotely near overweight. This is my black and white thinking saying that I can only be thin or fat and I don’t even acknowledge that healthy sits in between those two. I even found myself the other day saying to my psychologist, “But when I’m a healthy weight, I look fat.” Whoa! Wait a minute, let’s break that down. When I am a healthy weight, I look fat. That doesn’t make sense. Surely when I am a healthy weight, I look healthy and healthy is not at all the same as overweight.

I think it’s a common thing with eating disorders, black and white thinking occurs quite a lot, for example food is either good or bad, someone is either thin or fat. The middle-ground and ‘normal’ areas do not seem to exist in many people’s minds. That’s okay to feel that way, to think that way,  as an unwell person these thoughts are going to happen but what I am trying to do is think deeper about these thoughts. Rather than accept the thought as correct and letting it fly by I think about it and break it down. It can also be helpful to apply it to other people. My friend is healthy, she is not thin or fat for example.

Eating disorders can warp thinking and I find this very difficult, what is an eating disorder thought? What is a true thought? But I write them down and try to think about the things I think and accept on a daily basis to see if there is any truth behind them. Seeing yourself as thin or fat and not acknowledging that there is an in between is an eating disorder thought and it is not helpful. Don’t forget that there is a middle-ground.

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climbED: Supporting Someone With An Eating Disorder

It can be very difficult to support someone with an eating disorder, not only because it can be very upsetting to see someone you love unwell and distressed but also because it is the nature of these illnesses to push people away and interpret things wrongly. I’m writing this post from personal experience of what helps me and what doesn’t.

When most people have been unwell it can be a compliment to tell them that they look well but with eating disorders this can be one of the most triggering things that people can say even though they mean well. My eating disorder interprets this as fat or healthy and therefore I think I don’t need to work on recovery because I am fine. Sometimes I have been a healthy weight but my eating disorder has been at it’s worst and people would tell me I looked well and it would upset me because I wasn’t well at all. I think when it comes to supporting someone with an eating disorder it is best not to comment on appearance at all. Commenting on both weight loss and weight gain will feed the eating disorder. It is much better for the person if you compliment them on their personality, or smile, or outfit.

Don’t push the person you are with to eat when they are spending time with you. If they want to eat then that’s great but by pushing someone or saying things like “You have to have something to eat when we meet” it will push the person away and leave them more isolated. If someone tried to make me eat then I usually avoided meeting up with them.

Be careful that you don’t become friends with the eating disorder. What I mean by this is don’t spend the entire time talking about the eating disorder and things that the person has gone through with their illness. Talk about the person, their achievements and talents, funny memories, the future. Allow the person to feel like they are more than their illness and remind them of the reasons to get better.

Never ask the person you are supporting for diet advice. You may be tempted but it will feed the eating disorder more than you could possibly imagine and whether or not the person lets on, you will have damaged the relationship and trust between you two. It can make it so much harder to recover when you know the people around you are losing weight, it’s even worse when you know they are using you to lose that weight.

Try not to comment on what the person is eating, even comments such as “That looks nice” and “Whoa that’s yellow” can trigger and upset the person and lead the person to only feel safe eating alone. Try to keep all thoughts around food at meal times in your head.

Don’t be offended or take it personally if the person you are supporting seems a bit off with you or doesn’t want to hang out. It is exhausting to suffer from an eating disorder and can severely affect a person both mentally and physically. Let your friend know that you are always there for them and allow them to have their space to rest and be quiet if need be.

Don’t forget to look after yourself, self soothe with a bubbly bath, scented candles, chocolate or your favourite TV programme….whatever makes you happy. Make sure you take time to relax and unwind so that you can look after your own health.

Here’s today’s sock it to eating disorder silly socks photo:


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climbED: The Serotonin Story

Serotonin is a chemical that is released in the brain and when serotonin is released it makes a person feel happy and controls their mood. You may have heard of serotonin when people talk about depression or a chemical imbalance. Serotonin can also affect a person’s behaviour, appetite and thinking and low levels may lead to depression, migraines/headaches, sleeping problems and memory problems. Low serotonin levels can also cause cravings for sweet or starchy foods which may then lead to binge eating.

Serotonin is made out of protein and so if you aren’t eating enough protein you could have low serotonin levels. This is why protein is vital in anyone’s diet but especially in those who already struggle with their mental health.

It isn’t just protein that is important for serotonin, in order for serotonin to be taken up into the brain it requires insulin which is released when we eat starchy foods as well as zinc and vitamin C.

To keep a person’s mood steady and stable throughout the day the person requires regular and balanced meals that include starchy food at least every 5-6 hours.

I think that the serotonin story can help eating disorder sufferers understand why restrictive eating leads to low mood and related problems but also I personally find that seeing food has a purpose helps me to eat it and feel okay about eating it.

For example, if I ate 2 slices of peanut butter on toast with some orange juice that would be perfect for my serotonin, the toast provides the insulin, the peanut butter provides the protein and the orange juice provides the vitamins. Why should I feel guilty about helping my mental health? With a lifted mood it will be so much easier to get through the day.

It is important to remember that food isn’t just calories, fat and weight gain like your eating disorder will tell you. Food helps your mind, nails, skin, hair, organs….the list is endless. Food has a purpose.

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climbED: Climbing The Mountain To Recovery

Today is the day that my best friend and I climb a mountain to raise money for b-eat. I wanted to climb a mountain because it felt very fitting as recovery from anorexia nervosa has often felt like climbing a mountain and now I will explain why.

When you first start climbing a mountain you can’t always see the top, you might be able to see a third of the mountain, half at the most. Mist will stop you from seeing the pinnacle. Because you can’t see the top, you can’t imagine what it’s like up there, you can’t vision it and it seems unreachable. You begin to doubt that you can get there. At the beginning of recovery it felt like that for me and it still does. I can’t imagine what a ‘recovered life’ looks like, I often wonder about it. What would my life look like? What would I eat? How would I feel? I can’t remember what life was like without anorexia and there are days that I doubt I can reach recovery because it is so far away. There’s so much to overcome and climb before I get there but that doesn’t make it impossible.

Climbing a mountain involves a lot of walking and can take a long time, the same as recovery includes a lot of meals, a lot of therapy and a lot of trust and takes a long time, you may stumble and slip down the mountain a but you aren’t at the bottom again. You are still on the mountain even if it feels like you’re struggling. You might have relapsed but you are not stood back in the car park, you are still somewhere on the mountain to recovery.

I don’t know many people that have recovered from anorexia and aside from the people I know online I don’t know many people who have an eating disorder besides myself which often makes me feel quite alone in recovery. On the days I’m consumed by self-doubt I find it hard to believe I will ever recover because it feels like I am the only one on this journey. Not everyone climbs a mountain in their lifetime. I don’t know many people who have climbed mountains and knowing that a lot of people don’t do it can make it feel like an impossible task. People don’t climb mountains because it takes energy, endurance, motivation and determination, that can make it feel impossible but it isn’t.

When climbing a mountain you will get tired and you will get breathless. You will have to take regular breaks, sit down for five minutes and get your breath back before you carry on. Recovery is similar, you will struggle to go right from the bottom to the top in the quickest way possible. You have to take things at your own pace and you might need to hold things steady for a while before you carry on up the mountain. Recovery is about you and you have to make sure you can manage the stage you are at in recovery.

There may be hiccups in the mountain climb, a tree blocking a path meaning you have to turn around and go another way or ice that slows you down or makes you slip. Recovery will not always be perfect, you will slip up and have blips but that’s okay. I can guarantee you that it won’t be a perfect straight line from illness to health. You may have to re-trace your steps and go over the same thing a few times, you may fall and binge or restrict but you haven’t failed. Just keep trying, part of recovery is accepting that there are imperfections and mistakes do happen.

It may feel too difficult at times, the cold wind blowing in your face and your whole body feels exhausted and you just want to give up. When climbing a mountain it feels hardest the nearer you get to the top, the weather worsens and the temperature drops and it can feel hard to breathe but you have to keep going because the peak of the mountain is just around the corner. Recovery can feel impossible at times, you might feel exhausted and want to give up and stop trying but it could feel difficult because you are nearly there. Hold on tight, health and happiness is around the corner.

Walking down the other side of a mountain is so much easier than climbing up it. You will feel amazing because of what you have achieved. You’ll feel free and run down the steep drops. Recovery is difficult and really hard work but once you’ve reached the other side it will feel amazing. One day it will be easier. You can climb the mountain to recovery and live a freer, healthier and happier life.

Here’s today’s sock it to eating disorders silly socks photo:


Today is Sock It To Eating Disorders Day, wear your silliest socks and tell the world that eating disorders can be beaten.

To find out more about our mountain climb and to donate please visit:

climbED: “My Eating Disorder Makes Me Successful”

As shocking as it is I found these words leaving my mouth when talking to my psychologist today. I have never been confident in myself, everything that I have done in my life has never been good enough. My eating disorder often convinces me that it is the only good part of me when in reality it is the main bad part of me but a lot of the time I used to believe those thoughts.

With my eating disorder thoughts telling me that it makes me successful, it disregards all the positives about me to the point that I can rarely think of any because for years and years my eating disorder has pushed these out and made me believe that the A grades, the achievements and everything that I have done has been down to my eating disorder. I believed it made me focus, made me work harder and gave me the confidence I needed to do things.

The truth is that my eating disorder doesn’t make me successful at all, in fact quite the opposite. My talents, passion, hard work and sheer guts made me successful and for some reason writing that now is difficult, as though I can’t say those things about myself. My eating disorder did one thing for me, it lost me everything. College courses, jobs, friends. Anorexia has the ability to end everything that I have going on right now. I never thought I’d want to cry over seeing a loss on the scales but right now life is going well and I cannot allow anorexia to be in control. I want to live my life and not spend it shut in a psychiatric ward being fed. My eating disorder does not make me successful. I make me successful.

climbED: The Reflection In The Mirror

The reflection in the mirror is a lie, a constant changing lie that twists and turns with the thoughts and feelings in my mind and the food in my stomach. My eyes work fine and yet somehow this message gets interrupted along the way. I can look at myself and be okay with what I see but when I return to the mirror moments later I’ll see bones and worry I am too thin and that my illness is noticeable. I walk away and return again, this time my thighs have grown and there will be fat on my knee caps.

The reflection in the mirror is a lie, some days I have a double chin but then other days I have a defined jaw line. Isn’t it kind of funny that I’m not blind and yet I don’t know what I look like. The image I see is a reflection of my day, my mood, my memories, my feelings and not what my body actually looks like and I have to remember that on the days I see a fat, disgusting monster. I have to remember that this is my mind playing tricks.

The reflection in the mirror is a lie and I remember the day this lie started. My 13th Birthday and I was awake at the crack of dawn because I was so excited. I walked into the bathroom singing “it’s your Birthday, we’re gonna party like it’s your Birthday” and then I saw it. I saw my disgusting, ugly face and I went straight back to my room and cried. Crying because I looked so horrible and didn’t want to go to school where people would have to see me. I laid on the sofa feeling disgusted at the way I looked to the point I couldn’t talk, couldn’t do anything. I just wanted to disappear so that people wouldn’t see me. I felt like the ugliest person alive and it happened overnight.

The reflection in the mirror has been lying to me for nearly 10 years now. It can confuse, frustrate and anger me and I have had many mornings with clothes thrown all over the room and tears rolling down my face but I haven’t had a morning like that in a while. I am slowly learning to accept that how I see myself isn’t how others see me, my mother telling me I am beautiful means far more to me than the mirror and my mind saying I am not.

Body dysmorphia, I refuse to let you win.

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climbED: “Healthy” Eating In Recovery

This morning I had a conversation with my psychiatrist because I haven’t been too well with anorexia lately. I was talking about how even when I was in recovery I felt the need to eat ‘what I consider to be healthy food’ and he asked me what that meant and I explained that I feel like it’s okay for everyone else to eat what they want and eat ‘normal’ meals but I feel like I have to eat raw, vegan, natural, nutritional food otherwise I get the thoughts that I didn’t need to eat what I did and I didn’t deserve it and that the food feels unnecessary.

He told me that unless I foraged for food then it isn’t natural, everything is manufactured and chocolate has a lot of natural ingredients and it made me realise that I have these irrational thoughts in my mind of what is healthy and what isn’t healthy but when I dig deeper into those thoughts they actually make no sense. I need to start thinking more about my thoughts and rules around my eating and weight because I accept them as right and that is the way things are but there are actually no facts to support them.

I’ve noticed that there are ‘fashionable foods’, for example sweet potato and quest bars. Those foods that start appearing on menus of all the hip restaurants and are plastered over instagram. I think sometimes my eating disorder interprets these as healthy. In recovery I wouldn’t eat a normal baked potato with normal beans but I would eat a sweet potato with ‘5 beans’, the reality is that there is very little difference between the two but in my head one is totally okay and the other is completely not allowed.

I also find it difficult because as I have had anorexia for a very long time I often feel judged by others. People seem to have the assumption that people with anorexia only eat ‘healthy’ food, they are under the impression that people with anorexia eat only apples and vegetables and never touch sweets or chocolate but this isn’t true at all. People with anorexia sometimes have food that they never touch but there are also some people with anorexia that will eat any food but in very small portions. I know many people with anorexia who eat sweets and chocolate. I worry that others will judge me by what I eat as I’ve had the ‘anorexic’ label for so long. I feel like I can’t eat chocolate in front of people, or crisps, or popcorn at the cinema. I feel like I have to live by anorexia’s rules out of fears of others judging me. If I really think about it, I don’t think anyone would judge me, they would probably be pleased to see me enjoying life but it is a contributing factor to my ‘healthy’ eating. I even feel judged by the checkout worker in the supermarket.

The problem with my approach to eating and the need for food to be what I consider ‘healthy’ actually leads to the unhealthiest thing because it often leads to avoidance of food and I will say this over and over again: There is no food unhealthier than having an eating disorder.

I am going to try to remember that there is no such thing as an unhealthy food, only unhealthy diets. It is healthier to have a croissant and a hot chocolate for breakfast than it is to have nothing. There is no such thing as a healthy or an unhealthy food when recovering from anorexia.

climbED: Normal Eating

When you have an eating disorder, it can be difficult to remember what ‘normal’ eating was. I think it’s even harder when we live in a society with magazines showing a celebrity’s intake which is clearly not ‘normal’ or healthy.

Normal eating is:

  • Eating something at least 3 times a day.
  • Eating both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods. What I mean by this is eating a variety of foods without feeling guilty. There is no such thing as a bad food.
  • Being aware that eating is not the most important thing in life, there are things to do and see. Life is amazing, but you have to eat in order to be well enough to do these things.
  • Being able to eat in a flexible way so that it does not interfere with life. For example being able to go to the cinema for an 11:30 showing and not worrying about lunch having to be at 12:30.
  • Eating socially and in a similar manner to others in the group.
  • Eating ‘junk’ food occasionally.
  • Eating more than you feel you need to sometimes.
  • Eating less than you feel you need to sometimes.
  • Eating food that you enjoy
  • Not counting calories, weighing food or following a strict and rigid diet.
  • Not eating the lowest calorie food of that type, for example the lowest calorie bread, diet biscuits and so on.
  • Not having to constantly weigh yourself to reassure yourself.
  • Not eating to lose weight.
  • Not avoiding certain food types.

Remember that there is no food unhealthier than having an eating disorder.

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climbED: Re-feeding, It Isn’t Just Eat And Be Well

I think to most ‘outsiders’ eating disorder recovery is simply eating an adequate diet and being a healthy weight and that those things are as simple as that. I wish it was, I wish it was just a case of eat and be well. As well as the mental aspects that make recovery from an eating disorder very difficult I want to focus on the physical aspects.

When I was in hospital and going through re-feeding it was so much harder than even I expected. My stomach wasn’t used to food and I would have a constant stomach ache, painful bloating, constipation, night sweats. I often complained that I felt more unwell than when I wasn’t eating but I needed to do it in order to be alive and it didn’t last forever. As my body became nourished and used to food, the pain of re-feeding disappeared. It was horrible though, particularly as I wasn’t at home and able to have a cuddle and long hot bath. I just laid on my hospital bed clutching my stomach in agony. I never expected the physical obstacles, I thought I’d physically feel better and better and have more and more energy but it took a long time for my energy to return.

Mentally it is horrific too, most people with eating disorders will struggle with feelings of guilt in one way or another but by guilt it isn’t the kind of guilt you feel for telling a white lie or treating yourself to a new handbag on your husbands credit card. It’s feeling those calories crawling on your skin. Itching and bubbling. It made me want to tear my skin off and it would push me to extremes in an attempt to make it stop. One night I jogged on the spot in my room until I passed out and had to go to A&E for x-rays. It’s an overwhelming guilt that I’ve had to learn to deal with through distraction techniques. Guilt isn’t the only feeling, there’s fear and anxiety, confusion, so much but it can be overcome.

Re-feeding is vital, important and totally worth it. Life is there to be lived and enjoyed and I used to think that wasn’t possible but I am so happy in life right now and I’m glad I went through the pain and agony both physically and mentally because I am now able to live a life I want and enjoy.

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